Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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