I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
