Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
