last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
