I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
