I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
