so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
