i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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