hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
