This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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