I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
