Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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