Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
