i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
