So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
