It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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