his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize