She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
