If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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