You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
