morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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