She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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