Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
