halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
