I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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