Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
