You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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