I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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