hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
