On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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