Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
