I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
