im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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