I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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