i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
