haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize