I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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