is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
