I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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