Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
