I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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