So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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