I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
