The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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