I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
