dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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