Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
