Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
