I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
