just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You're like the curious george of whores
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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