dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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