two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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