You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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