Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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