there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
