I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
