I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
