I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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