a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
