Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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